Fathers and Sons

In my profession it is hard to raise a boy to be a good man. I suppose my situation is no more difficult, only different, than other fathers. My father was a career infantry officer, as was his father and his father before him. Despite all of that I believe my family has done a fine job of retaining our roots - we have remained very Southern. We have a family farm in the Upstate of SC, my grandparents still live in the home in Charleston that my grandfathers' father lived in.

When I was growing up my father had two priorities when it came to family. First if we could be together we were - so we moved often. Second, if we could not be together then my mother and sister and I would go home to live, sometimes for a year sometimes just for a few months.

My grandfather had already retired so he spent his time living during the summer at the farm and in the winter in Charleston - thus depending upon the time of year that is where we lived also when we went home to live.

We spent a lot of our time with my father at Camp Lejeune, NC. (not really so different than my life in Charleston -salt marshes, shrimping, and still in the South). Of course we also lived for a time in Japan, Hawaii and Beaufort, SC (just a few miles south of home)

Someone said it and I am not sure who that to be a man you have to know how to ride, shoot straight and tell the truth (I am certain the quote proceeds the book by the same name). There is a lot of wisdom in that simple mantra. In fact you could elaborate on each of those points and categorize dozens of separate items under each of those three points. For instance "telling the truth" encompasses a wide swath of character traits a real man ought to have. Knowing how to ride really deals with being able to do "stuff" that a man ought to know. Being able to shoot straight encompasses all the skills, abilities and attributes a man ought to have to be able to take care of himself and those he loves.

Now as I recall growing up I had ample opportunity to be exposed to numerous things that instilled in me the skills required to master "riding, shooting and telling the truth" - both in the literal and figurative sense. Moving around a lot and being forced to adapt to new environments was indeed helpful - if at times painful. When I was in school it was not a cardinal sin to get in a fight - it was an offense that was punished but boys were boys. If you were always going to be the new guy you had to know how to adapt and if that failed how to fight. (not that grown men ought to go around fighting with fist but we learn as boys that there are some things worth fighting for - we carry this over into manhood in the form of moral courage)

I spent many summers on the farm doing hard labor for the express purpose of bringing perverse pleasure to my task-master (my father or grandfather). We spent vacations hiking and camping the closest mountains, we went home every hunting season at least once just to be with the fellows from home. When we could not go home we hunted whatever was legal and in season in our locality. I played every sport available - even the ones I was not really good at - without any other option.

I am often concerned that I may not be doing as good a job as my father. We took both of our children out of public school a long time ago. Depending upon where we are we either homeschool or send them to private school (if and when we find one we like).

My son (and I) participate in Boy Scouts - Scouting is not really what I remember, he takes taekwondo (really not a fighting art in my mind but good for coordination), I drag him into the woods almost every weekend (which in Korea means hiking a mountain). Over the course of his young life I have taught him every outdoor skill I know - he can navigate pretty well, hunt, fish, build/find shelter, clean and cook game, track (still working on that), ride, shoot and patch up minor wounds.

I encourage (and when that fails I force) him to read extensively books that teach a point, set an example or lay the foundation of knowledge needed later.

All the same, I often wonder if I am failing him in some way. We walk and talk a lot (during our hikes mostly when we are alone) but at times it seems as if he just does not understand me. My wife tells me all the time that a 10 year old is a boy, not a small man. I know she is correct but still I wonder if I have done all I should do.

In most every way I pin a lot of hopes and dreams on my son, my daughter too but I am traditional I suppose and I believe my role with her is a little different. I believe the world (America specifically) will become a pretty nasty place to live within the lifetime of my son. If America is really to have a "greatest generation" I think it will be comprised of today's ten year-olds (the future is up to them). For my son's sake at least I hope I have not failed him.